That Time I Dipped My Foot In The Jordan

“It’s cold here.”

I remember the day as if it was yesterday, though it was exactly one year ago. I was playing with fire, and that fire started to ice my body in a way that I never thought I’d experience at such a young age. I felt death. I walked up to death’s door; on the other side was the river known as Jordan. It was different than I expected it to be. It was calm.

No vultures were flying around the water.

There was no black hole in the middle.

There was no waterfall.

It was simply a calm river.

A void, calm river.

I could not make out what was on the other side, but I could feel it was my resting place. Death was finally coming to welcome me with the wages I earned through sin.

Sin. That’s how I got here. It was because of sin.

The sin was so deeply embedded into me that I could feel its effects surging under my skin.

What was the sin exactly, though?

Simply put, the sin had me believing that I should follow a created being, a morning star if you will, all while forsaking the bright morning star. The created’s play on words had me thinking he could shine brighter, but as my pulse got lighter, I realized the morning star was no light at all…just an illuminated illusion.

So there I was, in a hospital bed, fighting for the little life I had left…but not on the right side. I could feel the cool of the river on my back and running up my legs as I started to go deeper. What did I do in that moment? I didn’t call a ghostbuster because I was two feet away from becoming a ghost, but I called out to the hallucinated light.

What happened on that phone call changed everything for me, literally.

The chill of the water was getting so cold that I could barely hold my phone up, but I was determined to gaze into the mirage. I just didn’t think that it would be the mirage to reveal that it was only a fraction of light and could never be whole.

“You have to tell your mom to stop praying for you because the spirit with her is trying to fight the spirit that wants to marry you.”

Marry me? A spirit? A spirit wants to marry me?

That’s the moment I realized that what I thought was right was wrong. That’s when I realized what I thought was my morning star was simply a dwarf star trying to be my Son (sun). And in that moment, I faded.

I remember my eyes rolling in the back of my head and the nurse slapping me on the arm, yelling at me to get up. I believe it was at that moment I was in the middle of the river. Though only a couple of seconds, it felt like an eternity before I felt a warm hand grab me. That warm hand not only grabbed me but grabbed my entire soul.

As I opened my eyes again, I felt the warm sensation return to my body. My feet were no longer freezing, and I felt like I could breathe. If I hadn’t experienced it myself, there’s no way I would’ve believed. Though I had heard about Him, sang about Him, and even called on His name…it was the real bright morning star that changed my life that day.

As He walked me back to shore, a blanket with the word “LOVE” in all caps was there. The tag on the inside of that blanket told me that it was created by Grace and Mercy. As He wrapped me in this blanket of love by Grace and Mercy, I felt I could finally catch my breath. As we walked arm in arm, I was then presented with a white robe with the word “Righteousness” written on it in the most beautiful script I had ever seen.

At that moment, I asked Him what made Him come to look for me and do you want to know what He said.

“Why would I not look for you? Why would I not go to the end of life itself to find you? Why would I not run into death to bring you back to life?”

It was at that moment that I realized something that I felt my whole life was a mirage: the feeling of being forsaken. After all, if He was willing to bring me back from the brink of death, it would have to mean that my life had value after all.

What a warmth to experience.